Dear Eliza

*Poor little sicko...tortured by her parents ;)

It has been too long since I have written a post to you , my little angel. You are 16 1/2 months...how did that happen so fast!?! That means we are 6 weeks from nursery! I know that probably doesn't mean much to you now, but when you are a mama you will realize what a glorious day that is. Finally, both of us can enjoy, rather than endure, church!

 

Eliza, you have taught me so much in this time we have had together. You taught me that I am capable of loving in a way that literally makes my heart ache, that just when I think I am at the end of my rope I have so much more to give, that a life of service is infinitely more meaningful than a life simply spent in pursuit of my own ambitions, and most importantly you have taught me how to be a mama. You have taught me to trust my instincts and know that all the answers needed to love you in the way you need to be loved are already within me. I wrote this post while I was pregnant with you. I believe it even more passionately now than I did on the day I wrote it. I now realize it wasn't simply a dream. It was Heavenly Father teaching me to LISTEN. To listen at 3 am when all the books said to let you cry, to the voice that said "your baby needs you to hold her and love her right now...go to her," to the voice that says "I have a path for her, don't worry about those things you can't control...I will guide her," to the voice that says "It is enough" or "You have more to give...press forward." I couldn't do it without that voice. I am reassured that Heavenly Father loves you so much, and that He will intervene when I am a little slow to heed ;)

President Monson once said, 

I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.  

The opportunity to serve as a mother is incredible (even that word doesn't do it justice). Eliza, I feel like you breathe new life in me each and every day. It is truly an honor to serve and love you. You truly have "saved my life" in so many ways. You have added depth and meaning to mine, and your da-da's life, that was not there before. I love you, my angel!   

Bring Pretty Back

 *My pretty little angle...pure as the driven snow

I love when I find articles, such as this one, floating around Facebook that make me shout, YES, YES, YES! To the author's definition of pretty, as a combination of beauty and innocence, I would add that pretty is knowing who one is, and embracing the spirit and light of womanhood.

I would whole-heartedly describe myself as a feminist. I love all that is feminine: strength, beauty, kindness, nurturing, intuitive, wise, etc., etc., etc. However, I find very little with certain veins of feminism, those that lead me to believe that becoming masculine (in terms of behavioral traits and "sexual liberation") is what feminism is about, that I agree with. In particular, the fallout of the sexual revolution has debased and objectified women in way in which I imagine no other has. I have worked with so many women who are at war with their bodies, sheesh I have been at war with my body in the past. When in this state we have lost touch with our spiritual nature, and the power that is our divine nature, and are on a futile quest to a destination that can never be reached. So to this I say, let's all jump off this path and bring back pretty!

Young women today do not seem to aspire to pretty, they prefer to be regarded as hot. Hotness is something altogether different.  When women want to be hot instead of pretty, they must view themselves in a certain way and consequently men view them differently as well.

As I said, pretty inspires men’s nobler instincts to protect and defend.  Pretty is cherished. Hotness, on the other hand, is a commodity.  Its value is temporary and must be used.  It is a consumable...a consumable that consumes as it is consumed but brings no warmth.

Let Us Anew

*Is anything better than the wonder of a child?

The beginning of the new year always feels like a magical time to me...the anticipation, the optimism, the willingness to let go, and the openness to new opportunities. As a result I am typically obsessed with creating New Year's goals! However, I am trying a new approach this year. I have opted out of making resolutions, save for one underlying life principle to guide my year..."Each day is an opportunity for a New Day resolution." Too often I am simply caught up in the excitement of a hope for something better, whether that be intellect, spirituality, body, heart, etc., that I miss out on what it will take day in and day out to arrive at my destination. I somehow miss out on the journey...so cliche! (but true ;)) So yes, during this year I want to be better emotionally, spiritually, physically and intellectually but I am not quite sure how I am going to get there. I simply know that I want each day consecrated to my ultimate goal of arriving at a place of greater understanding, joy, compassion, and peace. Easy enough, right?

Time and a Season

*Performing with the Utah Symphony, 2000

Lately I have been missing the stage. Last week I had the opportunity to sing the National Anthem at a political fundraiser with over 1,000 people...so fun! And yes, I was bitten by the performance bug again. However, as I returned home that night and nuzzled my sweet little babe I was reminded that there is indeed a "time and season" for every phase of our life. And, as an Arizonan (where there is hot and less hot) those seasons are so beautiful to me.

I have found tremendous joy as I have come to embrace the natural ebb and flow of my life. If you had asked me at 21 where I would be 10 years later, I would have died at the thought that it would not include performing. Dramatic? Yes...was I ever! ;) There is a reason my life felt dramatic at that time. It was because singing was not simply something "I did," it was "who I was." Because of that, when I left grad school at 24 I floundered, and we are talking trip off the curb and fall on your face type of floundering! Yet, I know I needed that. I needed to be in a place where I was willing to listen to the Truths that had been there my whole life. I was simply too terrified to embrace them, because it meant letting go of control! The Lord knew I had a distinct mission to fulfill, and that I would never be able to fulfill it until I discovered who I was (and am). This journey of discovering who I am as a spiritual being, a daughter of God, (nothing more, nothing less) was literally life changing. I am not a singer, a therapist, a wife, a daughter, or even a mother. Those are things I do or roles I play, not who I am. The beauty of knowing this Truth does not make me any less successful in those roles. In fact, I believe it makes me more successful in them. My happiness is not tied to whether or not I am engaged in those activities. My happiness is in knowing who I am, and that realization has opened the Heavens.

So, back to that "bite" the other night. If an opportunity arises in which I am able to pursue my love of music, then wonderful. However, in the meantime I am beyond grateful for my present role as a wife and mother...it is an incredibly beautiful season.

New Direction

I am not a fan of writing a post stating ones intent to return to blogging, because let's face it I do it way too often to NO avail! :) If I am going to write I should just write, right? However, I have been struggling with what I want to do with this blog. I have lost my groove since becoming a mama (not in being a mama, but in writing about it). I am not sure what my niche is in this little world...my photography skills are too terrible to be a photo blog, I am not a particularly funny writer, yet I have a tremendous passion regarding the pursuit of happiness and the pathway to change and ultimate peace. I talk about it all the time with people, yet I haven't really written about it since I had this blog as a single lady. Hopefully, in bringing some of that back to this blog I will feel inspired to write. If not, apologies in advance for this post ;)

All Grown Up

I am so grateful for the fabulous Amy! Love these new pics she snapped of little miss while we were all lounging on our deck in San Diego watching the sun set over the ocean. Watching my temperature gauge reach 113 today, I really missed that view!!! Good thing I have the view below every day of my life. How I love and adore my little angel :)

Missing...

I miss blogging. I miss being able to look back at past entries and being able to remember all the wonderful memories of my little family and my life. I miss capturing how fast little miss is growing up. I feel like time is slipping through my fingers each and every day when I wake Eliza and she seems bigger than when I kissed her goodnight. Because of that I want to be better. I want to document our life and my thoughts if for no one else but myself and my family.
Life has been an adjustment...to say the least! I am learning each and every day how to navigate the balance between being a mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, employee, etc. It's a tricky little balance, but I cherish every role so it is a necessary balance. I have been blessed to now have position where I am only working one day a week, and no longer from home (trust me, not all it is cracked up to be). I have returned to what I love most, counseling with those seeking greater joy and peace in their life. For now, I have a happy balance. And one that, fortunately, should now allow me a little spare time to blog now and again. I feel blessed and am happy to be back. And let's be honest, that pic of my neighbor holding up curtains is that lamest post to end on!

Vote!

I need your help...stat! (I kind of feel like "Seriously So Blessed" right now) Please vote in the comment section what color black out curtain you think will be the cutest in little Eliza's room. The colors are way off in these pics (everything is much more vibrant in real life), but you get the general idea. Here is a better depiction of the raspberry color (it looks weird in these pics...and the green is brighter and actually does match the stem green on the quilt)

Thanks to my sweet neighbor for indulging me in holding these up :)
*And just because she is so cute...

Aftermath of first solids...rice cereal

Rockin' the 80s in her leg warmers and headband

Domestic Bliss

(Photo via Google Images)

I admit, yesterday and this morning have been a total bust! I have been completely engrossed in reading the comments in response to THIS article by a self-proclaimed "feminist atheist" who is obsessed with reading Mormon mommy blogs. I will shamelessly admit that I follow about half of the blogs she referenced in her article. I wasn't so surprised that she enjoys these blogs, nor was I shocked by the crass anti-Mormon comments (completely expected), rather I was surprised at how cynical people are about those who seem to be genuinely happy.

Have we really entered an era of cynicism where a woman who is genuinely happy with her life must be hiding some terrible skeleton in her closet? I thought the era of feminism paved the way for a woman to pursue her passion and talents in whatever manner she desires...whether that be as the CEO of a major company or in creating a beautiful home where her family will love to gather. Perhaps these women are so happy because they spend much of their time focusing on the beauty in their life, and have faith they are following inspiration for their unique (married, single, mother, career woman) path in life, rather than lamenting everything that is not picture perfect. Let's be honest, life is never picture perfect (and downright difficult at times)...we have all had experiences in our life to prove that! However, I have come to learn that if I step back and shift my focus to what is right in my life (while getting outside of myself to focus on the needs of those I love), rather than wrong, I am terribly happy as well...especially in the downright difficult times!

How about you? What makes you happy? Do you feel like most of the happy people you meet are genuinely happy or simply putting on a show? How do you avoid falling into the trap of "waiting for the next phase in life to be happy"?


*As a side note, my favorite comment was the one pasted below. I would like to see Todd try this tactic with me ;) Hahahaha!

Ah, the life of faith and direction, so appealing, until you find out you can't conform because you're gay, a math-oriented woman, a man who likes modern dance, or maybe you just don't want to paint the living room the color your husband says you must and you hate the color. But he's the head of the household and even though he's supposed to respect you, his say is final because you have no independent income. There will be no money for paint unless it's the color he wants. There's no money for your clothes either, unless he approves or for anything else for that matter.

Think this doesn't happen? Think again. At home with a few young children, no marketable skills, "supportive" family who reminds you of your "duty as a Christian wife" . . . sounds like a recipe for depression to me.

The Best 2 Years

I sure do love this man! What a fabulous ride these past 2 years have been. I have said it before and I will say it again...I can't imagine anyone else with whom I would rather share all the joy, struggles, laughter, and fantastic craziness that life brings! Seeing you as a father these past few months has deepened my love for you in ways I never imagined. I love you so much darling!

Happy Anniversary...here's to many, many more!

Dear Eliza

I admit, my blog has become a total bust. To be perfectly honest, between returning to work part-time and full-time mommyhood the last thing I want to do when I have free time is spend more time on the internet. I much prefer making silly faces with my daughter :) However, I am horrible at documenting things on paper so this one's for you Eliza!

(4 month photo via Amy Brown Studios)

Dear Eliza,

What a year 2010 has been! I spent the first 8 months utterly amazed at your growth inside of me, and the following 4 months savoring every precious moment with you. Every mother has always told me that you can never understand the love a mother has for her child until you experience it yourself...oh, how that statement is so true! I find myself lingering every night before I lay you in your crib breathing in your scent, kissing your sweet forehead, feeling your itty bitty body snuggled next to mine, and thanking Heavenly Father for such an amazing gift. I love every second with you, so I thought I would document some of my very favorite.

*I love how you calm down immediately the moment you get a grasp of hair in your hand. Typically it is mine, but occasionally it is yours. During the first couple months of your life you didn't quite understand that the hair on your head was attached to you so every time you needed comfort you would pull on it, then scream because your head hurt from pulled hair, then pull harder for comfort and thus recreate the vicious cycle til I intervened. Fortunately now, you don't seem to be so confused ;)

*I love how the first thing I wake to every morning is your beautiful smile. Your daddy and I have gotten into the bad habit of leaving you in bed with us after your 4-5 am feed. You crane your little neck til you can see both our faces, start cooing til we wake up, then melt our hearts as you open your mouth wide to offer the biggest smile we can imagine. I can't help but smile just thinking about it.

*The word nearly everyone uses to describe you is "dainty." You are petite, albeit tall (still wearing your 3 month clothes and size one diapers), but you have a strong little personality to go with that dainty little body. I am hoping you are exercising those lungs to explore your musical talent one day, but you will probably choose a path all your own. We would be pretty thrilled with that as well ;)

*You are such a happy little baby. These past two weeks with no routine, and lots of travel, have been rough on you, but when we have our groove you hardly ever cry. You do not like to be held, unless it is when you are settling down to sleep. You are completely fascinated with the world around you, and being held prevents you from seeing all that interesting stuff. During the day, you are most content simply to lay next to me kicking your little legs and staring at your rattle.

*Currently you seem to be a mama's girl, but you sure do love your daddy too! Whenever we are with people you turn your head as far as it will go to find us. It melts our heart to know that you now know who we are, and that we love you more than anyone on this earth!

Eliza, you are a dream come true and I can't wait for all that 2011 holds...laughing, crawling, walking, talking and so much more. Happy New Year, baby!

Mama's Girl???

Since Eliza's birth we have been trying to figure out who she looks like. Obviously she has my nose, but what about the rest of her? Well, I came across these pics of me as a baby this morning and I swear they could be pictures of Eliza...Todd could have sworn they were! What do you think? Is she a spitting image of her mama?

*She always makes the face I am making above, I just can't find a picture of it.

6 Week Growth Spurt

It is amazing to see how much Eliza has grown over the past 6 weeks. Just check out the size difference when compared to her little lovie September 14th (2 weeks) and now! Where did my newborn go?

As a side note...If I could recommend any toy for new mothers it would be this gem! The pic above is her staring mesmerized at the mobile a good 15 minutes into the experience, which for our easily bored kiddo is saying a lot! It is the Cadillac of all mobiles...love it! Even if it doesn't go with my pottery barn decor ;)

*Seriously, could this face lie???

These Are the Days

I was talking with a friend the other day about how the 6 week marker feels like the official "let's get back to life" marker. Think about it, everything happens at 6 weeks: follow up appointment, a little lovin' approval, many paid maternity leaves end, etc. The problem is, I am just not sure I am completely ready to get back to real life just quite yet. I have absolutely adored my lazy days with Eliza.

~Days which gave me adequate time to memorize every crease in her hand and every pimple on her poor broken out face.
~Days where I memorized the sound of her cry (and even learned to distinguish many of them), the smell of her skin, and the touch of her chubby little thighs.
~Days in which I found myself crying right alongside my little girl out of utter exhaustion and plain old frustration that she couldn't tell me what was wrong.
~Days where I learned first hand that a mother really is a scientist, doctor and detective all at once whilst learning to comfort a baby who won't stop crying! *Thank you google! Diagnosis: Acid Reflux followed by Thrush, all confirmed by my doc...poor baby girl :(
~Days in which I found myself appreciating my own mother more than I imagined.
~Days in which I learned just how strong I am, and at the same time how painfully inadequate I am...or at least feel!
~Days which have taught me more about selfless love and service than any other experience in my life.
~Days where I developed a deep love for the human body and all it is capable of.
~Days where I learned just how much I depend on my husband and how much I adore him...especially when he eagerly jumps up at 3 am to hold our little girl for two hours while she screams in pain and frustration. (Fortunately last night we returned to two 5 hour stretches, with only a 20 minute feed period in between)
~Days where I learned how much I depend on the accolades and praise that comes with work and achievement, and where I have learned to rely upon the Lord and the belief that all of this is worth it, even if I will never know for sure if the little munchkin really knows how much her mama adores her!

These truly are the days to remember...

*Speaking of things to remember, I came across this video in blogosphere (I love her blog) and of course it made me cry. Lots of things make me cry these days...don't judge! ;) What words of wisdom would you share with your pre-mommy self?



*I promise to bust out the camera and take some photos of Eliza today. I sure wish I had an iota of talent in that arena!